acceptance

Why do children become inflexible?

Ariel came to me deeply upset about Laurie. Between sobs, she told me how Laurie had said something mean to her and was not her friend anymore. Laurie, who was a year or two older and admittedly had a fairly caustic manner, apologized and said she didn’t mean it. But that wasn’t really enough for Ariel.

The children were leaving for the day, and I stayed with Ariel to help her put these feelings into perspective. “How can she be my friend if she says mean things?” she whimpered. I explained to her that people sometimes make mistakes, that perhaps Ariel could even remember making mistakes herself. It doesn’t mean that person can’t be a friend anymore.

“I’ll never be her friend,” she answered vehemently.

I responded carefully, “Ariel, I know you feel that way right now. But how can you be someone’s friend if you don’t forgive?” She didn’t answer, and was obviously troubled by the question.

Part of growing up (if not most of growing up) is becoming more aware. As our minds mature in childhood, we begin to notice conflicting desires, especially with regard to people. One of the great challenges of life is to accept paradox and inconsistency, without allowing them to rule our choices. The young child does not even notice anything wrong. The older child begins to notice and becomes horrified. How can it be possible to say something you don’t mean? How can a person act one way with me and another way with someone else? The danger in these questions is that they push us to become intolerant and less aware despite our growing awareness. It is a painful process.

The question that I asked Ariel was intended to keep that process moving. The idea of forgiveness (or of gratitude or generosity) is one that refuses us the chance to become small and narrow. If we abandon a friend, then we are also abandoning our capacity for friendship. What an awful choice! It compels us to see ourselves clearly, to know that the way we treat people has significance much more for ourselves than for them.

: : : Reflect with children on what they wish to become.

a big idea

How do we help children to think?

I created a class newsletter for my nine and ten year olds. It had several sections in it for different curriculum areas and for different aspects of our life in school. One of the sections I called “The Big Ideas.” It was a place to report on some of the interesting, thought-provoking conversations we had in class every day, on a wide range of topics: the environment, friendship, civil rights, the beginning of our country, music, religion, and so on.

Each time we produced this newsletter, students would ask me, “What am I supposed to write for The Big Ideas?”

“Can you remember any big ideas or thoughtful conversations we had yesterday?”

“No,” they would answer.

I began to make a practice of pointing out when a big idea appeared. We would read something together about the Great Depression and discuss what inflation is. “Did you notice that was a big idea?”

Young children do not normally think deeply about their thinking. They form categories based on literal, observable aspects of things, not on essential or formal qualities. When we set up our library, for example, I asked the students to suggest categories for the different sections. “Animal stories” was an important one. It didn’t really matter to them whether the animals were in a mystery or a fantasy or historical fiction; they just wanted to know the story was about animals.

So one way to inspire more “thinking about thinking” is to give them concrete experiences of it. The social act of creating this newsletter helped them discover what an idea is and what makes it big. By attaching the phrase “big idea” to several actual conversations, they formed an association for it in their minds which they might be able to extend to new conversations. The process of education is so full of marvels when it is approached in this way.

: : : Children learn about abstractions through naming their experience.