make the truth your friend

Elmer was in kindergarten, and he had some difficulty holding to the truth. He would employ lying as a simple tactic for getting what he wanted. He would then look at me with a kind of guileless, tentative expression. It was like a grand experiment of his.

The truth is a fascinating thing for children—or rather, they are fascinated by what is not the truth. They gradually come to realize that other people—even adults—often don’t know what is in their minds. But how do we then keep a child from careening down the path of shameless deception and self-gratification? The answer to that could create a whole culture.

Here is what I did not do: tell Elmer that lying is arbitrarily bad, threaten him with punishment, show him anger, ignore what happened, or appeal to any outside authority (God included). What I did do has stayed with me as a helpful response to a child.

I asked, “Elmer, do you think if you tell the truth, the truth will become your friend?” He said no. I went on, “If you do make the truth your friend, it will always help you. But if you make the truth your enemy, it will always fight against you. I think it’s better to have the truth as your friend.” He agreed. Elmer was a child who liked to have friends.

I believe the only real moral guidance children can receive is based on choice. They are going to find out soon enough that they really do have a choice, regardless of what fears we put into their heads along the way. If we deny them choice, we become their prison wardens. If we grant them choice and leave them to discover the consequences, we become cruel onlookers. I try to explain to them in neutral, illustrative ways how a choice is likely to result, and make them aware that goodness is really up to them.