are there boundaries?

How much can children get what they want?

Rex was beginning first grade in a school that valued freedom for children. He was not easy to manage—highly active, impulsive, and sometimes defiant of teachers. He seemed unable to do careful work or listen long enough to understand what he was doing. He required constant surveillance by teachers, or he would draw other children into his fast-moving, disruptive activities.

One day Rex had a particularly hard time, and in talks with his teacher, he began saying he wanted to leave the school and “go back to Arizona”. He said he hated this school and had no friends there. (He was actually very popular among the boys.)

This teacher, guided by a school philosophy of listening to what children want and helping them understand how to achieve it, continued asking Rex questions about what was bothering him and how he thought leaving might help. Rex seemed to become increasingly depressed, and repeated his answers.

The next day as children were arriving, a parent brought Rex into the classroom having found him wandering in the parking lot. Without anyone noticing, he had left the class in search of his mother, who had just dropped him off. This event caused some stir, of course, about safety in the school.

What struck me about Rex’s behavior was that he was actually exercising the kind of freedom that the school promoted, but not in a way anyone expected. What did he really need at this time? Did he need to feel that people were listening, or did he need stronger boundaries? Many children his age will say things like “I’m bored” or “I hate this” without any deep consideration at all. When they find that such words do not change their circumstances, they begin to enjoy the experience. They learn about delayed gratification—the fundamental idea that real satisfaction comes through work and self-control.

We as adults can help children learn this lesson by responding little to their complaints and recognizing their positive efforts. This is not being insensitive. It is being highly sensitive to the reality in which we live, and to the possibility for happiness in every moment, regardless of circumstances.

: : : Psychological boundaries help children create a sense of contentment in themselves.