negative responses

Why do children resist new things?

Sometimes when I introduce a new idea, my class erupts in a chorus of “No!” Of course I always stop them. “Every experience is a chance for you to learn and enjoy yourself,” I say. They are cooperative and willing to try many things. What I don’t do is change my mind to suit their momentary preference.

What often surprises me is that their reaction turns very quickly from a vocal negative one to a vocal positive one. I have learned over time that their first response is usually an imaginary one. They protest the unknown. They resist making new efforts. Once the unknown becomes known, and once the effort is made, they begin to appreciate what is happening.

I have another sense about these negative responses. Children constantly play with their power to change things, and sometimes that power is far more interesting to them than any plan or lesson I might have. For nine and ten year olds, the relationship with a teacher becomes a bit of a game. “Suppose I contradict you, what will happen then?” they seem to ask. Their identity is not yet wrapped up in becoming an individual, in the manner of adolescents, but they begin to question whether the adult is really in charge.

These plays for power are very important for growth, I think. I remember a passage in Laurens Van der Post’s A Story Like the Wind, where a man asks a boy to shoot a dangerous and enraged elephant. The man stands ready at a moment’s notice to take charge, but he is careful not to betray any anxiety to the boy. He allows the boy to experience the feeling of total responsibility.

: : : Respond to children’s motives, not their words.

not liking meals

How can we instill the right eating habits?

Children in our school sometimes leave their lunches half eaten, or even untouched. They rush off to an important game, unwilling to miss even a minute of their exciting play. In response, it is our practice as teachers to insist that everyone sit down for a period of time at the beginning of recess to make sure they eat the food their bodies need. Even those who are finished can enjoy a few minutes at the table with those who are not.

I believe that children’s bodies will tell them what they need if we remove the distractions. There are many distractions: overstimulating foods (like sweets), overstimulating company (like each other), and overstimulating habits (like impulsive eating, without a routine). Our bodies function much better when we are calm.

One reader writes of a child who does not like meals and complains about eating. I wonder what experience this child associates with meals. Are they testing the child’s patience? Are the expectations unclear for the child? Do the meals follow a predictable routine? I would suggest making a set of concrete guidelines for eating, and then repeating them as often as necessary. Children tend to complain less when they know the complaints really won’t change anything.

It is often very hard for adults to be utterly consistent with children, yet consistency is what gives them emotional stability. Their play often follows repetitive and predictable patterns. They are always trying to make sense of what is going on. I think one of the deepest sources of anxiety in children is the unpredictability of other people, especially caretakers. If parents allowed this yesterday, will they allow it today? When they say something will happen, will it really happen? These questions apply to all of the ways we regulate children’s lives, and especially to something as basic as eating.

Sometimes complaining itself becomes a habit, without any particular goal in the child’s mind. Then I begin calling attention to the behavior. “I notice you are using a complaining voice to say that. Is there another way to say it? A cheerful voice is much more enjoyable. If you can use a cheerful voice, I will want to listen to you.” Self-awareness helps children understand how they influence other people. As they understand their power better, they will use it for better ends.

: : : Make routines; keep them; celebrate them.