not liking meals

How can we instill the right eating habits?

Children in our school sometimes leave their lunches half eaten, or even untouched. They rush off to an important game, unwilling to miss even a minute of their exciting play. In response, it is our practice as teachers to insist that everyone sit down for a period of time at the beginning of recess to make sure they eat the food their bodies need. Even those who are finished can enjoy a few minutes at the table with those who are not.

I believe that children’s bodies will tell them what they need if we remove the distractions. There are many distractions: overstimulating foods (like sweets), overstimulating company (like each other), and overstimulating habits (like impulsive eating, without a routine). Our bodies function much better when we are calm.

One reader writes of a child who does not like meals and complains about eating. I wonder what experience this child associates with meals. Are they testing the child’s patience? Are the expectations unclear for the child? Do the meals follow a predictable routine? I would suggest making a set of concrete guidelines for eating, and then repeating them as often as necessary. Children tend to complain less when they know the complaints really won’t change anything.

It is often very hard for adults to be utterly consistent with children, yet consistency is what gives them emotional stability. Their play often follows repetitive and predictable patterns. They are always trying to make sense of what is going on. I think one of the deepest sources of anxiety in children is the unpredictability of other people, especially caretakers. If parents allowed this yesterday, will they allow it today? When they say something will happen, will it really happen? These questions apply to all of the ways we regulate children’s lives, and especially to something as basic as eating.

Sometimes complaining itself becomes a habit, without any particular goal in the child’s mind. Then I begin calling attention to the behavior. “I notice you are using a complaining voice to say that. Is there another way to say it? A cheerful voice is much more enjoyable. If you can use a cheerful voice, I will want to listen to you.” Self-awareness helps children understand how they influence other people. As they understand their power better, they will use it for better ends.

: : : Make routines; keep them; celebrate them.

no ice cream

How can I maintain routines when other families are around?

I was staying with friends who do not maintain as much control over sugar foods as I do with Aimée. After dinner we were planning to have roasted marshmallows. One of the children started asking for ice cream, and the freezer was getting opened. I quickly asked if we were still planning to have marshmallows. Yes, that plan was reaffirmed. I said that I wanted Aimée to have only one dessert, and this became the general plan for all the children.

It is not always clear how to balance different parenting styles. I certainly do not fault other parents for the choices they make, even if I strongly disagree with them. Probably most parents wonder at some time what other parents are thinking: Do I seem too harsh? Do I seem too yielding? I’m always ready to reexamine my choices, but they are usually based on very clear principles and a sense of how my daughter will thrive over the long term. Strictness in the moment is often very gentle in its results. Permissiveness, on the other hand, can end up becoming angry or chaotic.

I asked myself, why couldn’t I let go of these expectations just for one visit? Will Aimée’s eating habits be ruined by a short week of indulgence? Then I realized that my concern was not really for the future, but for right now. Routine and habit are so comforting for a child, and with so much unfamiliarity going on, it does seem very stabilizing to assert some of the usual rules, even if she protests. I believe that a decision like this contributes to her enduring sense of calmness. Calmness in a child is precious, and unfortunately rare.

: : : Rules and consistency help children regulate their own impulses.