playing little games

How do I show respect to a child?

Ken was not an easy student sometimes, in second grade. He tended to get loud and interrupt, or ignore what was going on. He was a little insecure, it seemed, and endlessly in competition with other students. One day his behavior irritated me a little, and I told him I needed him to stop “playing that little game” and be part of the class.

I saw my mistake right away; he became hot in protest (“It’s not a little game”), and obviously insulted that I would describe what he was doing that way. In other words, I had tried to elevate my project in his mind by denigrating his project. I’m happy to say I had the presence of mind in that moment to stop and apologize out loud. But I also used my apology as another opportunity to get his cooperation.

I said to him, “I’m sorry, Ken, that I called what you are doing a little game. I didn’t really mean that. Now that I’ve apologized to you, can you apologize to me for ignoring me while I was speaking?”

He looked down, a little unsure, and said, “Sorry.” I thanked him right away and went on.

It’s so hard to find the right balance of respect and authority with children, especially as they evolve a different sense of what respect means. A child’s need for help today can become a passion for independence tomorrow. I think it really helps to catch one’s missteps right away and bring them into open conversation.

My appeal to Ken was also based on his age. A 7-8 year old has a growing ability to judge what is fair, in a way that a 5 year old would not. He immediately saw the need for reciprocating my apology, and he felt respected by being part of such an exchange. He was also surprised by my willingness to admit a mistake - something he was learning how to do.

: : : Respect for a child means awareness of his emotional needs.

getting the same thing

What is fair for children?

“Fair” is a word that I have heard many children use, but rarely with much understanding. Usually when that word appears, it just means “what I want,” but disguised as an objective principle. It’s a very powerful word to use with adults, who want to be perceived as fair. I think if you really examine the language children use, it is often guided by a quest for power, with adults and with other children.

Fairness can be very superficial if it is based only on the appearance of getting the same thing. Why would we give the same thing to children of different ages, different temperaments, different family backgrounds, different abilities, or different passing impulses? We would then be reducing the concept of fairness to sheer mechanics, like cutting the brownies to an equal size.

When I give something to a child, I try to think of that child as an individual. Of course, as a teacher I also give importance to the idea of fairness. I see the variation in what children can do. I often give a range of choices, so that children can gravitate to what best suits them. I show them that I am trying to give them what they need, regardless of anyone else in the room. They usually come to trust that I know what I’m doing, and they realize that the glamor of what others have is actually quite thin.

When children trust the authority of adults, they no longer need to struggle as much for power. They become calmer, more self-assured, and more able to enjoy themselves.

: : : Fairness means feeling valued.