parroting

Why do children mimic?

Aimée, who is four, sometimes mindlessly repeats what other children say. She is a child with a strong mind of her own, but some impulse drives her to act like a helpless echo of the attitudes and intentions she hears in her environment. Once she even started participating in a light form of bullying toward a child who was refusing to join a game. Her mother witnessed this and stopped her immediately and made her apologize.

(I do not normally make children apologize. Words have a sacred connection to meaning, and children have a special sense of words. Children are far more sincere than most adults, and the command “say you’re sorry” is in essence an encouragement for them to lie, even to themselves. On the other hand, I might suggest, “you could say you’re sorry” as a way of making atonement. Then the child has a chance to choose the intention before saying the words.)

Why does Aimée at some times exert so much willful determination and at others such stupid conformity? What is her goal? Well, as always, she must be trying to grow up. Growing up takes two things: being independent, and being aware. Sometimes it is easier to focus on one of these at a time. To be independent, all she has to do is contradict. To be aware, all she has to do is mimic. So here she has two very simple, concrete strategies for becoming a person like the rest of us.

On a deeper level, children are extraordinary receivers of energy. They absorb the influences of environment the way a plant absorbs water. It will take years for Aimée to become clearly aware of the choices she makes. In a way, she cannot really make choices; she can only experiment with them.

: : : Repetition is a path toward growth and understanding.

treating children like adults?

What is the balance between respect for children and parent authority?

I find sometimes that people tend to ask children unnecessary questions or give children unnecessary choices out of a sense of adult respect. In normal social interaction, we do not normally command other people; we suggest things to them. We count on the social and moral understanding of others to give our suggestions the proper weight.

Children have far too inadequate a social and moral understanding to respond well to a suggestion like, “Should we clean up now?” To a child, a suggestion like this is very confusing. Is this question really offering a choice, or is it simply a veiled command? How can the child really assess whether now is the “right” time to clean up? Does the adult not know the answer? I try to avoid such questions with children, and give my expectations in an honest and direct way.

I see parents struggling to understand what children are exactly, and what they can do. How do children make choices? How much do they use logic? What memories do they have? How much do their feelings last? What do their words mean? The answers to these questions have a lot to do with the way we treat them. (Or conversely, the way we treat them has a lot to do with our subtle answers to these questions.)

Children are not adults, but they will be one day. I think this is the crux of our dilemma.

Children are like adults in their spiritual qualities—their feeling of importance, their desire for love, and their search for meaning. They deserve respect for these qualities. They are unlike adults in other, more functional qualities—their ability to reason, their self-control, their understanding of language, and their awareness of consequences. They deserve guidance, not just respect, in their development of these qualities.

: : : Respect for children means appreciation for their limits.

getting the same thing

What is fair for children?

“Fair” is a word that I have heard many children use, but rarely with much understanding. Usually when that word appears, it just means “what I want,” but disguised as an objective principle. It’s a very powerful word to use with adults, who want to be perceived as fair. I think if you really examine the language children use, it is often guided by a quest for power, with adults and with other children.

Fairness can be very superficial if it is based only on the appearance of getting the same thing. Why would we give the same thing to children of different ages, different temperaments, different family backgrounds, different abilities, or different passing impulses? We would then be reducing the concept of fairness to sheer mechanics, like cutting the brownies to an equal size.

When I give something to a child, I try to think of that child as an individual. Of course, as a teacher I also give importance to the idea of fairness. I see the variation in what children can do. I often give a range of choices, so that children can gravitate to what best suits them. I show them that I am trying to give them what they need, regardless of anyone else in the room. They usually come to trust that I know what I’m doing, and they realize that the glamor of what others have is actually quite thin.

When children trust the authority of adults, they no longer need to struggle as much for power. They become calmer, more self-assured, and more able to enjoy themselves.

: : : Fairness means feeling valued.