teaching letters during a tantrum

Aimée is a calm, independent, resourceful four-year-old child. She also throws tantrums periodically. We do not let her cry for long periods at the dinner table. If she does not make an effort to control her voice, we bring her up to her room until she can be quieter. This response, of course, often escalates the crying to screaming (but if we become afraid of making a child scream, the screaming child becomes the emporer).

One day I had her in the bedroom, physically barring her way out, and holding her feet if she tried to kick me (something she knows I will do). I do not get angry at her when this happens, but I admit to feeling numb and irritable. After a few minutes, I started picking up some nearby letter blocks, saying the sounds of them, and making words. I left pauses for her to repeat what I said, but went on if she didn’t. A few minutes later she was repeating everything and trying to make some of her own words. Then we went downstairs and continued dinner.

A child often has insurmountable feelings. She literally can’t stop them, nor wait for them to subside. Trying to control her feelings is like trying to pick up water with her hands. When Aimée has the thought of frustration and refusal in her mind, that is all she has in her mind. It takes experience, brain development, and practice to change one’s state of mind. By using the letter blocks, I was simply giving her mind something else to focus on. The activity was unexpected enough, unusual enough, and interesting enough to make her forget the anger and weaken its hold. We didn’t solve any “problem” or make any “agreement,” because those are analytical, adult processes. Once the feeling is gone in a child, it is really gone.