negative responses

Why do children resist new things?

Sometimes when I introduce a new idea, my class erupts in a chorus of “No!” Of course I always stop them. “Every experience is a chance for you to learn and enjoy yourself,” I say. They are cooperative and willing to try many things. What I don’t do is change my mind to suit their momentary preference.

What often surprises me is that their reaction turns very quickly from a vocal negative one to a vocal positive one. I have learned over time that their first response is usually an imaginary one. They protest the unknown. They resist making new efforts. Once the unknown becomes known, and once the effort is made, they begin to appreciate what is happening.

I have another sense about these negative responses. Children constantly play with their power to change things, and sometimes that power is far more interesting to them than any plan or lesson I might have. For nine and ten year olds, the relationship with a teacher becomes a bit of a game. “Suppose I contradict you, what will happen then?” they seem to ask. Their identity is not yet wrapped up in becoming an individual, in the manner of adolescents, but they begin to question whether the adult is really in charge.

These plays for power are very important for growth, I think. I remember a passage in Laurens Van der Post’s A Story Like the Wind, where a man asks a boy to shoot a dangerous and enraged elephant. The man stands ready at a moment’s notice to take charge, but he is careful not to betray any anxiety to the boy. He allows the boy to experience the feeling of total responsibility.

: : : Respond to children’s motives, not their words.

I can’t paint

How will children judge themselves less harshly?

When I introduced our first painting project for the year, my fourth and fifth graders immediately announced, almost to a child, that they couldn’t paint. I knew this group had been painting for years, so I was a little surprised. Here’s what I said.

“You think you can’t paint? Well, I can’t really paint either, but I’m going to paint something right now. Here’s a memory from my childhood. My dad liked to build walls. So I’m going to paint him building a wall. I know I can’t paint, but I’m just going to forget about that for a moment.

“Where will I start the painting? I remember his sweater well, so I’ll begin with the sweater. Here are the shoulders and the arms and the torso. That’s not too bad. It doesn’t look exactly like a sweater, but who’s complaining? Everyone already knows I can’t paint. Now here are his pants. I’m making sure to wash my brush carefully between colors, and dab it on the sponge to make it dry.”

After a few minutes, they were all pretty impressed with what I could do, even though I assured them I can’t really paint. Then we started the project.

Around eight or nine years old, children start to look at the work they do differently. They are able to hold more clearly in their minds an idea of what it “should” be in relation to what it is. They think of drawings more as realistic representations, less as imaginative impressions. In brain development, their left hemispheres are becoming more active. The children are more analytical. It’s very strange, but they have to practice being imaginative, or they will lose the ability. This is the beginning of the separation between childhood and adulthood.

: : : Self-criticism needs to be tempered with boldness and a light heart.

getting out of control

Why do children persist when we want them to stop?

When I was still a fairly new teacher, I was sharing a first/second grade class with a colleague. Each morning we had a “circle time” with children, singing songs and getting ourselves ready for what the day would hold. It takes a certain skill to talk to a group of children that age and hold their attention.

On that day this group of children’s attention was particularly hard to hold. Many of them started rolling with each other on the floor and just generally acting silly. My response was to tell them we were going to walk back out of the room and try entering again in the right way. We did that twice, but the misbehavior just became worse. We left the room a third time, and then my colleague arrived.

I was curious to see what would happen now with this much more experienced teacher. In fact, they did exactly the same thing. She was astonished, because they had never acted that way with her before. She solved the situation by simply taking them on a walk and then beginning to read them a story. In the middle of the story, she put the book down and reflected with them on how unkind and out of control that behavior was. Now that they were listening, they got the message.

If I had known what I now know, I would have explained the whole situation to my colleague to prepare her. I realized that it made no difference who was there; the children had quickly formed a habit of walking in and then rolling on the floor. Children do this all the time, inventing routines and then repeating them many times. I think it is a way of experiencing memory and time. They repeat actions to keep the actions present to their minds.

My strategy of repeating our entry, therefore, because it was only mechanical, was only reinforcing their behavior, not stopping it. To change a child’s pattern requires energy, creativity, timing, and an awareness of what really engages the child’s attention.

: : : Change the routine to change the behavior.

are there boundaries?

How much can children get what they want?

Rex was beginning first grade in a school that valued freedom for children. He was not easy to manage—highly active, impulsive, and sometimes defiant of teachers. He seemed unable to do careful work or listen long enough to understand what he was doing. He required constant surveillance by teachers, or he would draw other children into his fast-moving, disruptive activities.

One day Rex had a particularly hard time, and in talks with his teacher, he began saying he wanted to leave the school and “go back to Arizona”. He said he hated this school and had no friends there. (He was actually very popular among the boys.)

This teacher, guided by a school philosophy of listening to what children want and helping them understand how to achieve it, continued asking Rex questions about what was bothering him and how he thought leaving might help. Rex seemed to become increasingly depressed, and repeated his answers.

The next day as children were arriving, a parent brought Rex into the classroom having found him wandering in the parking lot. Without anyone noticing, he had left the class in search of his mother, who had just dropped him off. This event caused some stir, of course, about safety in the school.

What struck me about Rex’s behavior was that he was actually exercising the kind of freedom that the school promoted, but not in a way anyone expected. What did he really need at this time? Did he need to feel that people were listening, or did he need stronger boundaries? Many children his age will say things like “I’m bored” or “I hate this” without any deep consideration at all. When they find that such words do not change their circumstances, they begin to enjoy the experience. They learn about delayed gratification—the fundamental idea that real satisfaction comes through work and self-control.

We as adults can help children learn this lesson by responding little to their complaints and recognizing their positive efforts. This is not being insensitive. It is being highly sensitive to the reality in which we live, and to the possibility for happiness in every moment, regardless of circumstances.

: : : Psychological boundaries help children create a sense of contentment in themselves.

conscious eating

How will children enjoy their food more calmly?

At lunchtime, I was finding that many students in my fourth and fifth grade class would become so excited about their games that they would eat too fast, not eat at all, or carry their food around the playground. They were not stopping to consider what their bodies needed.

When children are in a group, their way of thinking begins to predominate much more than the adult perspective. Their impulsiveness increases, their imitation becomes less thoughtful, and their self-regulation can almost disappear. A group mentality forms. They really need help from adults even more than when they are alone.

There is an ancient spiritual practice of conscious eating as a way to experience deeper states of awareness. I decided this might be a good opportunity for the children to change their habits. I told them we would all eat silently together, in the quiet classroom, before going out to play. I explained that this would be a way of becoming more aware of our own actions.

When the time came, I guided them through the experience. “Think about your body. Think about your breathing. Your body is working for you all the time, all through the day, whether you think about it or not. Think about it now just for this moment, and be thankful for how well it works.

“Now we are going to feed your body, consciously, with attention. Notice how the food looks and smells. Enjoy it even before you put it in your mouth. Then chew it slowly. Notice the many tastes in the food. See if you can notice all the tastes. Feel the texture of it. Think about it as it enters your stomach and your body begins to draw life force from it. This food is helping to keep you alive.

“Think about where the food comes from, all the different parts of it. Not just the store where it was bought, but the place where it was made, and the farm where it was grown. Think about all the people who worked to make this food which you are now eating, which is now keeping you alive. Be thankful for the work of all those people. Now let’s eat in silence, reflecting calmly about all these things.”

: : : Children can learn greater awareness through guidance and practice.

not liking meals

How can we instill the right eating habits?

Children in our school sometimes leave their lunches half eaten, or even untouched. They rush off to an important game, unwilling to miss even a minute of their exciting play. In response, it is our practice as teachers to insist that everyone sit down for a period of time at the beginning of recess to make sure they eat the food their bodies need. Even those who are finished can enjoy a few minutes at the table with those who are not.

I believe that children’s bodies will tell them what they need if we remove the distractions. There are many distractions: overstimulating foods (like sweets), overstimulating company (like each other), and overstimulating habits (like impulsive eating, without a routine). Our bodies function much better when we are calm.

One reader writes of a child who does not like meals and complains about eating. I wonder what experience this child associates with meals. Are they testing the child’s patience? Are the expectations unclear for the child? Do the meals follow a predictable routine? I would suggest making a set of concrete guidelines for eating, and then repeating them as often as necessary. Children tend to complain less when they know the complaints really won’t change anything.

It is often very hard for adults to be utterly consistent with children, yet consistency is what gives them emotional stability. Their play often follows repetitive and predictable patterns. They are always trying to make sense of what is going on. I think one of the deepest sources of anxiety in children is the unpredictability of other people, especially caretakers. If parents allowed this yesterday, will they allow it today? When they say something will happen, will it really happen? These questions apply to all of the ways we regulate children’s lives, and especially to something as basic as eating.

Sometimes complaining itself becomes a habit, without any particular goal in the child’s mind. Then I begin calling attention to the behavior. “I notice you are using a complaining voice to say that. Is there another way to say it? A cheerful voice is much more enjoyable. If you can use a cheerful voice, I will want to listen to you.” Self-awareness helps children understand how they influence other people. As they understand their power better, they will use it for better ends.

: : : Make routines; keep them; celebrate them.

being alone

How do children value quiet time?

I had an afterschool class that sometimes needed to take a break from constant activity with each other. Children often don’t regulate their energy very well, playing until they are emotionally exhausted, and even then not realizing how they feel. So I created alone time. This is one of the great powers that adults have: conceiving a plan, naming it, and carrying it out. Once I explained alone time to the children, it was real.

I said to the children, “After we have enjoyed a lot of games together, it can feel wonderful to have some time alone, some quiet time. Then we can think our own thoughts and have our own ideas and breathe slowly and enjoy the silence. Then we feel ready to play with others again. So each of you will have a special place for your alone time. You can choose one toy or game or book to have in your place. It has to be a game that you can play alone. Choose something you can play for a long time, because we will do this for ten minutes.” Then one by one I assigned the children a place and helped them choose an activity.

The room became so peaceful! Children live in a psychic space as much as a physical one, and it really did not matter that they could all see each other. They understood that they would be alone, and they acted that way. Although they may have protested at first, they really needed this time, and they sensed that. Their nervous systems had a chance to calm down. Their minds had a chance to reflect.

How many opportunities like this do we give children? Between home and school, life can become a never-ending series of stimulations, from other people, from video and audio media, and from impulsive change. It is no wonder that many children have difficulty taking quiet time; they don’t really know what it is. Stillness is as natural as breathing. When we adults give quiet time as much importance as eating or bathing or going to school, children learn to value it.

: : : Quiet periods come through practice, habit, and rhythm.

avoiding math

Can children really have a preference?

Halley was now in her second year of this first/second grade class. I needed to make sure she was gaining math skills in a school that gave children a lot of opportunity to make choices. Her choices were never bringing her to the math area. She would much rather spend time in the greenhouse or in the art room or in the writing corner. Every time I went to request some math practice, she looked disappointed and dragged her feet.

For students like Halley, I began a system of requiring everyone to complete one activity each week, and I kept a checklist of those who had finished. It took some effort on my part, but Halley’s response was surprising. She began to get very interested in the math activities I was giving her. Instead of disappointment, she began to show real enthusiasm for her own math accomplishments, and I hardly had to remind her at all to complete the work.

When children express a preference for (or against) something, I really question how much they understand about their own choice. Often they give more value to what is familiar, since they know they will like it, in contrast with the unfamiliar, which may be pleasant or unpleasant. If they often get to choose for themselves, they can form ingrained habits, and become even more resistant to change.

The irony here is that choice makes them less free. Carried forward by unexamined impulses, children lose the ability to look deeply at anything. The desire for immediate satisfaction wins over the patience that brings real satisfaction. What Halley discovered was the joy of doing work and learning through the process. She would probably need many more experiences like that before she would challenge herself through her own initiative. The restriction I placed on her actually gave her opportunities that she didn’t know existed.

: : : Structure deepens a child’s freedom.

the social decisions

How do children make up their minds?

Our neighbor Celia had come over to play with Aimée. She was a little distracted by what was going on at her home. She went back to get something, and took some time to return. Then after a few more minutes wandering around our living room, she left again. Aimée waited patiently, knowing that she wasn’t allowed to walk out without a parent. Celia seemed to be exploring her freedom to go home whenever she liked.

The second time Celia came back, she told Aimée that her sister and dad were playing a very fun game that they rarely play, and would Aimée like to go over there and join it?

What I did not do: solve the problem for Celia by letting Aimée go to her house. (What is the learning from a difficult choice if we simply remove it?) I had several motives for keeping Aimée at home.

I told Celia that she would have to decide whether she really wanted to play with Aimée or stay at home. I also told her it seemed like she really wanted to go home, to give her some strong permission for the choice. Despite that opening, she said she would remain with us. A few minutes later, she disappeared again to get something and did not return until her mother brought her back to explain that she really wanted to be home now.

Choices are extremely hard for young children because they have difficulty weighing all the desirable aspects of one situation against another. Usually the thing right in front of them is much more enticing than the thing they can’t see at the moment. When their perspective shifts (as when Celia went home), their inclination shifts too. Sometimes only the decisiveness of an adult will make them content to remain where they are.

A choice can be very burdensome, especially when it affects other people. Children are often glad to have adults make choices for them. My students far prefer to have me pick their partners than to pick each other. The social stresses of acceptance and rejection are just too high otherwise. The authority and judgment of an adult strikes a child with a certain amount of awe, even in early adolescence.

: : : Decisions are temporary until they get the stamp of adult agreement.

erasing the work

How does a child feel about being corrected?

Nathaniel was a second-grader in my class, and the year had recently just begun. We were working on an arithmetic question on the board. He seemed proud that he could give an answer to the question. He worked it out on the board and came back to his seat. The answer was not correct.

After some discussion with the students, I indicated that his answer could not be right, and I erased it. Nathaniel stared hard at the board for a few moments and then could not hold back his feelings. He hunched over and started crying. I felt terrible! I tried to comfort him, rubbed his back, reassured him that he had done a good job. Later I mentioned the incident to his mother, wondering if he had gone home upset. She looked blank, and said he never brought it up.

My approach to teaching math has evolved since that time, and I now use class discussion to allow children to correct themselves. I tell them to say “I disagree” instead of “that’s wrong.”

I think I learned two important things from that experience with Nathaniel. The first is that young children attach great importance to the physical results of their work. In a way, the work and the physical component are identical, as if by writing a love letter, I were actually embodying my love in the letter. The second is somewhat deeper: Children have very private lives, in which their struggles may go quite unnoticed by people close to them. Who can say what passions and inspirations are passing silently through their hearts? It takes a perceptive mind to penetrate the mystery of a child’s thoughts.

: : : Children feel attached to what they create. They can be very sensitive to the judgments of others.

parroting

Why do children mimic?

Aimée, who is four, sometimes mindlessly repeats what other children say. She is a child with a strong mind of her own, but some impulse drives her to act like a helpless echo of the attitudes and intentions she hears in her environment. Once she even started participating in a light form of bullying toward a child who was refusing to join a game. Her mother witnessed this and stopped her immediately and made her apologize.

(I do not normally make children apologize. Words have a sacred connection to meaning, and children have a special sense of words. Children are far more sincere than most adults, and the command “say you’re sorry” is in essence an encouragement for them to lie, even to themselves. On the other hand, I might suggest, “you could say you’re sorry” as a way of making atonement. Then the child has a chance to choose the intention before saying the words.)

Why does Aimée at some times exert so much willful determination and at others such stupid conformity? What is her goal? Well, as always, she must be trying to grow up. Growing up takes two things: being independent, and being aware. Sometimes it is easier to focus on one of these at a time. To be independent, all she has to do is contradict. To be aware, all she has to do is mimic. So here she has two very simple, concrete strategies for becoming a person like the rest of us.

On a deeper level, children are extraordinary receivers of energy. They absorb the influences of environment the way a plant absorbs water. It will take years for Aimée to become clearly aware of the choices she makes. In a way, she cannot really make choices; she can only experiment with them.

: : : Repetition is a path toward growth and understanding.

climbing on counters

How to stop a child from climbing up on the counter? I've told Hidal many times that it's not allowed because his feet are dirty and we eat food off the counter. He's obviously trying to get something he can't reach, and therefore climbs up, so perhaps I'll ask him, what other way can you get it?

Every household has different expectations. If you allow Hidal to go into the cupboards on his own, make it clear that this is by your permission, not just because he can. Then the counter becomes a territory in which your rules matter. If he can’t follow your rules, he may not be allowed to open cupboards for a day. When I set a consequence like this, I always remind the child that there will be another chance to try again.

For a young child, too many steps can become confusing or burdensome. Give him a very simple alternative to climbing on the counter, and practice it with him a few times. The path from impulse to action is often much shorter for children! He needs to replace an old habit with a new one, which requires some attention and energy, especially from you.

If Hidal is not understanding your concern about clean counters, have him clean them a few times. Then he’ll see a different “path of least resistance”!

: : : Our words are much more meaningful to children with concrete demonstrations.

your journey

What’s on your mind?

The alastair blog has been up for nearly a month now, so please talk back! You can comment on a particular entry, or in a more general way about your experience with children. Ask me questions, as that gives me an idea of what readers are wondering and thinking about. If you prefer to email me directly, that’s fine. We who work with children are not alone in our journey.

Have you experienced the differences in a child’s way of thinking? Have you found certain ways of speaking and acting that seem to reach the child’s perspective? Are certain behaviors inexplicable to you?

Have any of my approaches inspired you or helped you? Which ones? Have any of them fallen flat? Why do you think that happened?

Here are some topics suggested by a reader that I plan to address in upcoming entries:

: how to encourage quiet time with an excitable child
: how to break a cycle of a child resisting meals
: how to stop a child from climbing up on the counter!

If you have some thoughts, write them now. You’ll never find more time later. (Unless your life is much more predictable than mine.)