treating children like adults?

What is the balance between respect for children and parent authority?

I find sometimes that people tend to ask children unnecessary questions or give children unnecessary choices out of a sense of adult respect. In normal social interaction, we do not normally command other people; we suggest things to them. We count on the social and moral understanding of others to give our suggestions the proper weight.

Children have far too inadequate a social and moral understanding to respond well to a suggestion like, “Should we clean up now?” To a child, a suggestion like this is very confusing. Is this question really offering a choice, or is it simply a veiled command? How can the child really assess whether now is the “right” time to clean up? Does the adult not know the answer? I try to avoid such questions with children, and give my expectations in an honest and direct way.

I see parents struggling to understand what children are exactly, and what they can do. How do children make choices? How much do they use logic? What memories do they have? How much do their feelings last? What do their words mean? The answers to these questions have a lot to do with the way we treat them. (Or conversely, the way we treat them has a lot to do with our subtle answers to these questions.)

Children are not adults, but they will be one day. I think this is the crux of our dilemma.

Children are like adults in their spiritual qualities—their feeling of importance, their desire for love, and their search for meaning. They deserve respect for these qualities. They are unlike adults in other, more functional qualities—their ability to reason, their self-control, their understanding of language, and their awareness of consequences. They deserve guidance, not just respect, in their development of these qualities.

: : : Respect for children means appreciation for their limits.