the social decisions

How do children make up their minds?

Our neighbor Celia had come over to play with Aimée. She was a little distracted by what was going on at her home. She went back to get something, and took some time to return. Then after a few more minutes wandering around our living room, she left again. Aimée waited patiently, knowing that she wasn’t allowed to walk out without a parent. Celia seemed to be exploring her freedom to go home whenever she liked.

The second time Celia came back, she told Aimée that her sister and dad were playing a very fun game that they rarely play, and would Aimée like to go over there and join it?

What I did not do: solve the problem for Celia by letting Aimée go to her house. (What is the learning from a difficult choice if we simply remove it?) I had several motives for keeping Aimée at home.

I told Celia that she would have to decide whether she really wanted to play with Aimée or stay at home. I also told her it seemed like she really wanted to go home, to give her some strong permission for the choice. Despite that opening, she said she would remain with us. A few minutes later, she disappeared again to get something and did not return until her mother brought her back to explain that she really wanted to be home now.

Choices are extremely hard for young children because they have difficulty weighing all the desirable aspects of one situation against another. Usually the thing right in front of them is much more enticing than the thing they can’t see at the moment. When their perspective shifts (as when Celia went home), their inclination shifts too. Sometimes only the decisiveness of an adult will make them content to remain where they are.

A choice can be very burdensome, especially when it affects other people. Children are often glad to have adults make choices for them. My students far prefer to have me pick their partners than to pick each other. The social stresses of acceptance and rejection are just too high otherwise. The authority and judgment of an adult strikes a child with a certain amount of awe, even in early adolescence.

: : : Decisions are temporary until they get the stamp of adult agreement.