acceptance

Why do children become inflexible?

Ariel came to me deeply upset about Laurie. Between sobs, she told me how Laurie had said something mean to her and was not her friend anymore. Laurie, who was a year or two older and admittedly had a fairly caustic manner, apologized and said she didn’t mean it. But that wasn’t really enough for Ariel.

The children were leaving for the day, and I stayed with Ariel to help her put these feelings into perspective. “How can she be my friend if she says mean things?” she whimpered. I explained to her that people sometimes make mistakes, that perhaps Ariel could even remember making mistakes herself. It doesn’t mean that person can’t be a friend anymore.

“I’ll never be her friend,” she answered vehemently.

I responded carefully, “Ariel, I know you feel that way right now. But how can you be someone’s friend if you don’t forgive?” She didn’t answer, and was obviously troubled by the question.

Part of growing up (if not most of growing up) is becoming more aware. As our minds mature in childhood, we begin to notice conflicting desires, especially with regard to people. One of the great challenges of life is to accept paradox and inconsistency, without allowing them to rule our choices. The young child does not even notice anything wrong. The older child begins to notice and becomes horrified. How can it be possible to say something you don’t mean? How can a person act one way with me and another way with someone else? The danger in these questions is that they push us to become intolerant and less aware despite our growing awareness. It is a painful process.

The question that I asked Ariel was intended to keep that process moving. The idea of forgiveness (or of gratitude or generosity) is one that refuses us the chance to become small and narrow. If we abandon a friend, then we are also abandoning our capacity for friendship. What an awful choice! It compels us to see ourselves clearly, to know that the way we treat people has significance much more for ourselves than for them.

: : : Reflect with children on what they wish to become.