conflict irresolution

How much can children solve their disagreements?

Eileen was a particularly emotional fourth grader. She was highly sensitive to perceived insults or to being left out of a game. She could swing from laughter to sobbing at the drop of a leaf, and she could draw other children into her emotions, sometimes causing a general uproar among the students in the school.

This school made a pronounced commitment to conflict resolution processes among children. By giving children the opportunity to speak for themselves and listen to each other, the teachers hoped to get children to recognize each other’s needs and respond in caring ways. The process basically consisted of each student having the chance to state her or his feelings about something that had occurred, and making agreements about what course of action to take.

For Eileen the process became an opportunity to give full expression to all her frustrations and disappointments. She regularly asked for meetings with other children, and even began conducting them on her own, without a teacher present. She had a hard time distinguishing between having another child listen to her respectfully and getting another child to do what she wanted. Rather than solving her conflicts, this process seemed to fan the flames of them and make them far more disturbing.

What I did initially in the face of all this was to stop having conflict meetings entirely for a while. I explained to the students that this wonderful tool was not simply a way to have more arguments or force other people to listen. I said that if a meeting was really necessary, a teacher would call for it. Later over the course of the year, I did initiate many talks between students, and I carefully guided them to keep either child from manipulating the situation.

I think poor Eileen really needed some clear, unemotional responses to her turbulent feelings. Putting her in control of a conflict resolution process only seemed to feed her weaknesses, not her strengths. I think people also sometimes mistake such a process as a way of giving children control and “allowing them to work it out.” Children, in my experience, do not have the cognitive tools or the emotional maturity to resolve conflict in a reasonable way. Left to themselves, they tend to create hierarchical power structures in favor of the biggest, strongest, or most ruthless. They desperately need the guidance and perspective of adults to bring out the qualities that will make them more harmonious and more caring.

When an adult is present to create a level playing field, conflict resolution can be a powerful learning experience for both the strong and the weak. By looking attentively at the human face before them, children discover that we all experience feelings of doubt, loss, and hurt. They can feel compassion, even for a moment. They can learn that even our enemies have some deep bond with us.

: : : Insist that children listen to each other, and see humanity there.