being alone

How do children value quiet time?

I had an afterschool class that sometimes needed to take a break from constant activity with each other. Children often don’t regulate their energy very well, playing until they are emotionally exhausted, and even then not realizing how they feel. So I created alone time. This is one of the great powers that adults have: conceiving a plan, naming it, and carrying it out. Once I explained alone time to the children, it was real.

I said to the children, “After we have enjoyed a lot of games together, it can feel wonderful to have some time alone, some quiet time. Then we can think our own thoughts and have our own ideas and breathe slowly and enjoy the silence. Then we feel ready to play with others again. So each of you will have a special place for your alone time. You can choose one toy or game or book to have in your place. It has to be a game that you can play alone. Choose something you can play for a long time, because we will do this for ten minutes.” Then one by one I assigned the children a place and helped them choose an activity.

The room became so peaceful! Children live in a psychic space as much as a physical one, and it really did not matter that they could all see each other. They understood that they would be alone, and they acted that way. Although they may have protested at first, they really needed this time, and they sensed that. Their nervous systems had a chance to calm down. Their minds had a chance to reflect.

How many opportunities like this do we give children? Between home and school, life can become a never-ending series of stimulations, from other people, from video and audio media, and from impulsive change. It is no wonder that many children have difficulty taking quiet time; they don’t really know what it is. Stillness is as natural as breathing. When we adults give quiet time as much importance as eating or bathing or going to school, children learn to value it.

: : : Quiet periods come through practice, habit, and rhythm.

listening

Eric had some difficulty with rest time in kindergarten afterschool. Instead of lying down, he tended to run in a circle around the room. I had tried explaining the routine ahead of time, moving through a series of preparation activities, giving him physical activity before; but this boy just really didn’t want to rest. I waylaid him on his next pass around the room and moved him to the couch, lying on his back.

I said, “Eric, this is your spot for rest time; stay right in this spot.” I wasn’t holding him anymore, but he kept squirming as if trying to escape from a web of ropes. I was nearly at the end of mine. I looked straight into his eyes and said quietly and forcefully, “Eric, you are being so still!” To my eternal astonishment, his arms and legs went stiff. His wide eyes fixed on me, and he did not get up.

The suggestibility of young children is hard to overestimate. They act out exactly what is going on in their minds, and often the source of their behavior is a direct impulse from their environment. So why didn’t Eric listen to me more? I think he listened more closely than I realized, and possibly more closely than I really wanted.

Children interpret tone, facial expressions, body language, and literal meaning. They do not always recognize the adult’s thought process or social expectations, but they certainly know when adults are displeased. That negative focus can actually increase the behavior we think we are trying to stop. The words “stop touching the curtains” immediately strengthen the thought of touching the curtains. It takes great discipline to cultivate the habits of thought and speech that are always encouraging, but then see what the children do in response!

meditation

How can children practice stillness and quiet?

I have a class of fourth and fifth graders who practice meditation with me every day. It is not easy to get a whole group of students completely quiet and still. In fact, it is impossible if I think that I am the one doing it. Only they can do it, which means they must want to do it.

There are many ways that children can want to meditate. They feel the challenge of controlling their bodies. They relax more. They notice sounds in the environment. These rewards are enough for many of my students. For everyone to really become focused, however, I need more support.

I began dropping little paper clips into a jar to mark off the minutes. The sound would become a rhythmic source of concentration in the silence. I also offered a reward: one extra minute of recess for each minute of real stillness. It amazed me how much that little minute mattered, especially to the ones with restless energy! They were willing to work very hard for it, and the whole group benefitted.

Some children take naturally to the peace that they feel in meditation. For others, just knowing that such an activity is possible can give them greater awareness of themselves. Meditation is the art of sitting in this world. It is the discipline of acceptance.

: : : You can teach calmness with a sensory focus, in small steps.

taking the girls to rest time

We were away for the weekend with another family. The four girls (4-6 years) were very excited, staying up late, and getting up early the next day. After an active trip to the beach, we had some lunch, and then the parents agreed on a rest time for the children. I was concerned that they would otherwise become strained and exhausted.

I went to the girls and explained to them what was happening. “If we rest and relax, then we are able to play some more,” I told them. Erica immediately said no, she did not want to have rest time. I didn’t argue; I simply continued telling them how wonderful rest time would be. They could lie on their beds, look at books, and then after a quiet period, they could get up. The other three girls by this time were moving toward the house, so I turned and walked with them. Erica, unsure how to refuse anymore, slowly followed us.

They silently came into the house, found books, and sat on their beds. I asked them what they would read and where they would lie down. Then I left, ready to return if they needed some reminders. The contrast between this calm atmosphere and the earlier excitement was quite palpable. The rest lasted about half an hour, and then they all played happily for another two hours, without any intervention.

How do children become cooperative instead of adversarial? The way we talk to them actually cues their response. I didn’t ask them any questions about what they would like. I simply told them what was going to happen. Knowing what is going to happen is comforting, not confining. I also explained how rest time would feel good to them. Children often need reminders about what will feel good. The reality of rest time, for all human beings, is that it gives us the respite from activity that makes our activity enjoyable. Resting itself, of course, can be enjoyable. Children will realize this if they are guided to it, but they cannot usually regulate their own rest periods. I the adult, by acting as their clock and schedule, become a very helpful influence for them.