no ice cream

How can I maintain routines when other families are around?

I was staying with friends who do not maintain as much control over sugar foods as I do with Aimée. After dinner we were planning to have roasted marshmallows. One of the children started asking for ice cream, and the freezer was getting opened. I quickly asked if we were still planning to have marshmallows. Yes, that plan was reaffirmed. I said that I wanted Aimée to have only one dessert, and this became the general plan for all the children.

It is not always clear how to balance different parenting styles. I certainly do not fault other parents for the choices they make, even if I strongly disagree with them. Probably most parents wonder at some time what other parents are thinking: Do I seem too harsh? Do I seem too yielding? I’m always ready to reexamine my choices, but they are usually based on very clear principles and a sense of how my daughter will thrive over the long term. Strictness in the moment is often very gentle in its results. Permissiveness, on the other hand, can end up becoming angry or chaotic.

I asked myself, why couldn’t I let go of these expectations just for one visit? Will Aimée’s eating habits be ruined by a short week of indulgence? Then I realized that my concern was not really for the future, but for right now. Routine and habit are so comforting for a child, and with so much unfamiliarity going on, it does seem very stabilizing to assert some of the usual rules, even if she protests. I believe that a decision like this contributes to her enduring sense of calmness. Calmness in a child is precious, and unfortunately rare.

: : : Rules and consistency help children regulate their own impulses.